December 2010
38 posts
apparently recovery is the hardest part, and when you’re younger, you feel more. too bad no one young ever gets this surgery. now I need to do regular breathing exercises to avoid pneumonia, and find a way to lose the 20 pounds of water weight I’ve gained. yes, 20. I’m kind of grossing myself out.
a change in perspective. maybe this was the wake up call I needed, because nothing else ever worked. or maybe…
I don’t know. this game could go on forever, wondering why this has happened, what if things had been different. I’m not playing it. but I’ve learned what I needed to learn, I think. now it’s all about the second chances.
if someone had told me at any point in my life that I would have open heart surgery at age 22, I would’ve laughed at the absurdity of it all. especially since I’d never had a physical heart problem in my life.
but it is what it is. not because I travelled to China and Hong Kong and got some weird disease. just a bad cold gone very wrong. I guess from that list of things they tested...
It’s the season of miracles isn’t it? but it must also be a season of pain and sadness, since there were so many “December, be kind” photos on tumblr. I didn’t really understand it, but I figured the holidays can be a lonely time. I posted one, not because I thought I’d be incredibly lonely, but because the rest of the year had been so brutal, I didn’t...
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my...”
– Psalm 73:26
this heart, it beats, beats for only you
I wear a ring with Proverbs 4:23 engraved in it. I got it during thanksgiving break of junior year in anticipation of a long journey that was ahead of me. but I don’t know why I even wear it now.
I’ve treated my heart so carelessly this year and put it through so much. I gave it away, tossed it around, drop kicked it, let someone else break it and mistreat it multiple times,...
thoughts from a hospital bed.
all year there have been so many times when it felt like my heart was broken and I couldn’t breathe cause of the pain. oh the irony. of course the year had to end in some ridiculous, over-the-top way to make the rest of the year look like nothing but a joke. or maybe it just puts everything in perspective.
but I want to breathe! you can’t sing if you can’t breathe.
and every...
there are the songs that make you want to dance, sing really loud, and become a rock star. and there are the songs that bring back memories — the good, the bad, the bittersweet, the painful.
and then there are songs, like “Landslide” by the Backbeats, that will literally give you chills. and when you’re already experiencing chills for an entirely different reason, it just...
my body hurts and aches in a million different ways right now, so it’s just as well that we’re not going to Boston tomorrow. I’ll admit, I was a little disappointed to not be ending the year in one of the cities I started it in, but this is what it is.
after such a long year of fighting and struggling to have things go my way instead of allowing God to take control, I want to...
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet toward home, a land that I’ve never seen I am changing, less and less asleep made of different stuff than when I began and I have sensed it all along fast approaching is the day
when the world has fallen out from under me I’ll be found in you, still standing when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees when time and space are...
“Life’s pretty good, and why wouldn’t it be? I’m a pirate, after all.”
– Johnny Depp (via kari-shma)
“shotgun!”
used to call dibs on the front passenger seat when you’re riding in somebody’s car. there’s an extensive list of rules that comes with that, such as not being allowed to call it unless you actually spot the car. and then there’s the whole “not middle” business, used to avoid being sandwiched between two people in the backseat.
I’m...
at the doctor’s office right now, and there’s the cutest little girl here who’s probably around 2 years old. I really want kids. but I guess that means I’ll have to get married. and my desire to have kids definitely trumps my desire to not get married..
“We were meant to lose people we love. How else would we know how important they...”
– The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (via kari-shma)
I’m so bummed out.
this is the closest I’ve gotten to a job offer, in a city that I’ve wanted to live in since high school, and I’m going to have to tell them I’m no longer interested because I can’t afford to relocate there with the salary they’re going to pay me.
more things I can’t afford. oh the irony.
finished reading Revolution In World Missions by K.P. Yohannan, the founder of Gospel for Asia. it was definitely humbling to read — a reality check of America’s over-consumerism. and it’s about the need to support national missionaries, rather than sending missionaries overseas. it makes sense; national missionaries know the language, culture and customs of the people that...
“It’s a simple game. You win when you stop caring about it.”
– I Wrote This For You: The Board And The Dice (via kari-shma)
I’m fairly certain that if I hadn’t gotten sick on Friday and slept through most of the afternoon, I would’ve booked a ticket to Pittsburgh for the concert. as it turns out, I was supposed to stay in New York this weekend, even if it meant adding yet another round of goodbyes to this year. my friends at cmu, the seniors I graduated with, the friends who moved to faraway places...
sometimes I wish I could be a child again. then it’d mean I’d have faith like a child.
I had difficulty understanding why I keep getting sick now, especially since I made it through four years on a college campus (breeding ground for germs) without anything more than a cold. according to my mom, people are more susceptible to illness once they’re no longer busy all the time. guess I was always too busy before to get sick.
fever round three. unemployment is screwing me over...
“Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, a place, or even a...”
– Sarah Dessen, Just Listen (via kari-shma)
not going to Pittsburgh because I can’t afford it. it’s been a weird couple of months of not buying things and going places I usually wouldn’t hesitate spending money on because now I can’t afford it. it’s been a challenging experience, but I guess it’s about time I learned this. during dinner while I was feeling sorry for myself about not being able to go to...
Auld Lang Syne - Relient K
everything about this...
December 1st. my first loan payment is due today, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified.
but this year has been about learning how to trust God — really trust Him, not just when things are going well. which explains why this entire year has been nothing short of a disaster. and now my first loan payment is due. God provided me with $4,000 in 4 weeks for my trip to...